


Team Nice Dynamite, Michael?

by thatmavin



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: F/M, Heartbreak, M/M, Mavin, Multi, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-10
Updated: 2014-02-02
Packaged: 2017-12-29 00:13:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/998565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatmavin/pseuds/thatmavin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"So," Geoff looks at me. "You have some apologies to make, but before then-"<br/>"I love him, Geoff." I say. He looks at me with apologetic eyes.<br/>"I know that, everyone knows that."<br/>"Everyone?" I repeat.<br/>"The way you two look at each other is unmistakeable." Geoff shrugs.<br/>"What do I do?" I ask him.</p><p>Originally Posted Here: http://thatmavin.tumblr.com/post/61068195785/team-nice-dynamite-michael-1</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Why not, Michael?

I tried to mentally prepare myself for what was going to happen. I tried to let myself stay cool, calm, and collective. I sat in my little chair, minding my own business. I even tried to look busy, act natural. Since I was at work, ya know I might as well look like I’m working. I began shuffling papers, straightening up this or that, just little things on my desk. Next, I tried to organize some files on my computer’s desktop. I put things in folders, deleted old documents, archived emails, even cleared the task manager. I was pleased with what little progress I had made. Then…it happened.

“Morning everyone.” Gavin appeared in the doorway. His voice like milk and honey, sweetened my blood stream and I felt a dopey grin about to spread on my face. Everyone murmured hellos back. “I want you all to meet someone.” Gavin added, the Achievement Hunter office looked up at him. “She’s in the lobby.” Everyone rose from their seats and filed out behind Gavin, not knowing what to expect. Everyone besides me. I knew what and who Gavin was referring to. Gavin had sent me a text telling me he was bringing her to work today this morning. This “her” being his new girlfriend. I sighed and followed everyone out. They all flocked around her, greeting her and complimenting her perfect perfectness. I folded my arms and stood outside of the group. She turned her head and saw me anyway.

"Nice to see you again, Michael." She says.

"Hey, Emma." I nod.

"Again?" Jack asks. "You two have met."

"Yeah, under the oddest circumstances. Gavin and I were on the couch playing Halo, it was storming and we had planned on staying in. This Michael came over out of the blue. When I answered the door he gave me the weirdest look. Gavin rushed to the door waving his arms and yelling that Michael wasn’t supposed to find out that way and he had wanted to present me to all of you at once.”

"Why is that?" Ryan asks.

"I just thought if I was going to get teased about it, I’d rather get teased by everyone at once." Gavin shrugs. "And to prove to you guys that I am pretty smooth with the ladies." Gavin outstretched his arms and knocks over a container full of pens.

"Smooth with the ladies, not with the rest of the world then." Ray laughs.

"Well, another surprise for you fuckers. Emma is going to be working here." Geoff says, my jaw hangs open. "She’s going to be our new receptionist, and probably filling in as the behind the scenes cameraman…well camerawoman while Lindsay is busy working on some things for RWBY."

"Awesome!" Ray says. "I was going to ask if you and Gavin would wanna hang out sometime, now it won’t be as awkward because you will definitely get to know me through the Let’s Plays."

"Sounds great." Emma says.

"Alright." Geoff claps his hands together. "Let’s all get to work. Gavin, Burnie wants to see you for a moment in his office. Something about a podcast, I don’t fucking know. Ryan, Ray, Jack do what you normally do. Michael, I need you to show Emma around the Achievement Hunter office. I know it’s tiny as dicks but I need her to know whose desk is whose and what the cameraperson usually does when they’re filming behind the scenes.” Geoff says. “And I’m gonna go get a drink.” He heads off towards the kitchen. Emma looks at my a little shyly and she offers me a smile. Damn it. I can see why Gavin likes her. Emma has soft blue eyes, long chestnut brown curly hair and an amazing smile. She’s smart, too. Plus, the chick knows her way around video games.

"Shall we get started?" She asks.

"Oh, shit. Yeah, sorry. I was caught up in thought." I answer and I head off into the Achievement Hunter office. Everyone is busy back to work so I try to be quick so we don’t get them off task. I point around to where everyone sits, she looks over at Gavin’s seat and takes his creeper scarf and puts it on. I don’t know why, but it bother’s me.

"Tell me what I need to do." Emma looks at me with a serious face.

"Ok, well." I think about what my girlfriend Lindsay does during our Let’s Plays. "Make sure you get some screen time of everyone. Don’t focus on Gavin." I say in a playful tone, she giggles in response. Maybe this won’t be so hard having her here.

"Yes, sir." She says. “What else?”

"Um…I don’t fucking know." I shrug.

"It’s fine. I get it, it’s not much you can tell me to do about this. I’ll just go with the flow.” She nods.

"Great. Good." I nod also. "Well, then that’s it." Almost as if on cue, Gavin comes in the room.

"There you are love." He says as he walks in. I grin.

"Yeah, I-"

"Hey Gav." Emma says. Oh, he was talking to her. They wrap their arms around each other.

"Did My Michael teach you well?" He asks her, at least he still calls me his.

"Yeah, he’s great." She turns to me and smiles. I smile back as best I could.

"Splendid, alright. Well give us a kiss then I have to get to work." Gavin says. No.

Look away, look away. I warn myself. I know I don’t want to see it, but it’s too late. I watch as Gavin pulls her closely, their heads tilt and come close together. Gavin’s perfect lips move against hers and she rises onto her toes as she wraps her arms around his neck. My fingers curl against my hands into fists as I squeeze hard trying not to yell.

"Get a room you two." Jack jokes.

"Gav was right, you are like a Dad in here." Emma says.

"Told her that me and Geoff were your parents?" Jack laughs.

“Geoff and I, Jack.” Gavin corrects.

"Sorry, hard to talk with all the tea and crumpets in my mouth." Jack turns back to his work while Ray and Ryan laugh. Gavin looks at me.

"Michael." He says. "You’re awfully quiet." I get more and more angry, even when his attention is on me.

"Fuck you, Gavin. I have work to do." I put on my headphones and shut out everyone’s noise. Around lunch time, everyone begins leaving the office one by one. Gavin and I are the only ones left. He pokes me. I slide off my headphones and look at him. He’s smiling at me. That smile. The kind of smile that he used to only give to me, now I’m sure he gives it to Emma all the time.

"What, Gavin?" I ask.

"If you’re thinking about lunch, maybe Emma and I could tag along?" He asks.

"Of fucking course, that’d be exactly the thing that’ll turn this day into a rainbow.

"In fact, I’m sure that would make smiley faces and flowers shoot out my asshole!” I yell without thinking about it. Gavin’s jaw hangs open.

"Mi-"

"NO! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO EAT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO EAT WITH ME? SHE HAS A CAR! YOU TWO GO FUCK IN IT THEN SHOVE YOUR MEAL DOWN YOUR FUCKING THROATS!" I get out of my chair and move down the hall.

"Filming a Rage Quit?" Gus asks as I pass him.

"No." I say without looking at him. I go into the bathroom and lock the door. I lean my weight against the sink and I stare at myself. "Pull it together. Fuck Gavin, you don’t need him. You have Lindsay, he has Emma. Just forget about him." I try to make myself believe my own lies. I hear knocks on the door. "One minute!" I yell.

"Michael, it’s me. Emma. Gavin’s worried and I’m worried. Can I come in to talk?" She asks with a gentle voice that almost makes me feel better, then I remember that she’s the reason I’m upset anyway. Then I think about how my feelings for Gavin have made my own relationship difficult. Finally, I hate myself for loving Gavin at all. Does he even love me back anymore? Do I even exist to him? Why…why do I feel this way?

"Go away." I answer Emma.

"But I-"

"JUST GO AWAY. I DON’T FUCKING WANT TO TALK TO YOU!"

"Oh…ok." She sounds hurt, I feel like a complete dick. I heard her walk away.

"I’m sorry." I say, though I know she hasn’t heard me. I sink to the floor near the door and hide my face in my knees. What feels like moments later, there is a knock on the door. “I’m taking the biggest shit of my life, go away.” I answer.

"You’re not taking one, yet you’re full of it. Let me in, dude." Geoff responds. I unlock the door and let Geoff in. He’s holding two beers.

"Oh thank god." I say as I reach for one.

"Oh…you wanted one? I would’ve taken three out the fridge then." Geoff says and stares at the drinks in his hands. "Oh well, here." He says and hands me one. I crack it open and the lid clinks as it hits the floor.

"Thanks." I take a sip.

"So," Geoff looks at me. "You have some apologies to make, but before then-"

"I love him, Geoff." I say. He looks at me with apologetic eyes.

"I know that, everyone knows that."

"Everyone?" I repeat.

"The way you two look at each other is unmistakeable." Geoff shrugs.

"What do I do?" I ask him. He runs his hands over his head.

"Fucking…I don’t know." He says honestly. "You can either both leave your chicks and be together, stay with your chicks and try to just be friends, or have some four-way freaky shit which I’d love to hear about.”

"Geoff." I frown desperate for an answer that leaves less questions.

"Dude, this is complicated shit, I know. You don’t have that many options. You have to fix this problem soon before you are left alone, no Gavin, no Lindsay." Geoff takes a long swig from his beer.

"Shit." I hold my head in my hands.

Geoff has told me that I can have the day to sort shit out. I stick around the Rooster Teeth headquarters though. Lindsay says she heard about my blow up in the office. She holds me close and strokes my hair as she sits in my lap.

"I love you, you know that?" She asks me, I nod.

"I love you, too." I respond. "That’s the confusing thing."

"I’m going to be by your side no matter what, but I need to know now so I know where to put my heart, Michael."

"I’m being selfish aren’t I? Bringing you into this shit." I sigh. "You should just leave me." I say, feeling sorry for myself.

"No. I’m not giving up without a fight." She turns my head towards her and kisses my lips softly. I close my eyes and sink into the feeling. My brain goes a a thousand miles per minute as I try to think of how this moment feels. She pulls back and smiles at me.

"I have to talk to Gavin." I say, she rises from my lap.

"I know." She kisses my forehead, then leaves me to my thoughts.

I walk back to the Achievement Hunter office. Everyone looks up at me quickly then back down. Gavin doesn’t look up at all, he’s editing a Minecraft Let’s Play, his face frowned. I touch his shoulder. He looks up at me, frowns even harder.

"We need to talk." Gavin says.

"I know." I respond.

"Now."

"I know. Come on." I hold the door open for him then close it behind us. Gavin storms ahead of me and into a conference room. “This is better than the bathroom where Geoff and I talked.” I laugh nervously.

"Michael, what the bloody hell is wrong with you? You yelled at Emma, that’s not cool. You hurt her feelings. All she wants to do is be friends with you." Gavin says.

"Well I don’t want to just be friends with you, but I have to and it’s hard." I fold my arms.

"What do you want from me Michael, I’m trying." He says, I can see his eyes brim with tears. "You fucking tell me that you and Lindsay are going to get married, so I stop trying to be us, Michael. I go out and I have a great time, with a great girl. I start dating her so I won’t have to feel so alone, when you’re not sleeping next to me, or when you’re out with Lindsay and I’m at home, wondering when the next time you’re going to stop by is so we can fuck and finally be close to each other, behind closed doors." He is sobbing by now. "I know I can’t stop loving you, but I am trying to teach myself to start loving someone else so you can have a life with Lindsay. Why won’t you let me try to move on?"His words hang in the air above my head and begin raining down on me. Why won’t I let him move on? Why would I want him alone while I have Lindsay? All of the question he ask bubble up inside of me and pour out as I begin to cry as well.

"I can’t stop loving you either, Gav. But we have to try. We can’t be together." My voice cracks when I speak. Gavin’s hand reaches up to cover his mouth to muffle his sobs, he takes his hand away to speak.

"Why not, Michael?" Gavin asks. That’s the question I just can’t answer. Gavin walks over to me and takes my tear stained face in his hands. Both of us can hardly breathe, but Gavin presses his lips to mine in a final kiss. As he does, a million memories fly through my head. Gavin walking into the Achievement Hunter office for the first time. The first time he and I went out for drinks. The time where we got so pumped up after a Let’s Play that Team Lads won against Team Gents, we hugged for longer than we should have. The nights where I’d lay awake thinking about the green of his eyes, and the curve of his lips as they smiled. The day where Gavin and I first kissed, outside by the pool during our lunch time swims. The nights Gavin would spend in my apartment and we’d hold each all night while we talked. The nights we made love. The nights we fought, then made love again. The-

"Michael." Gavin interrupts my thought by pulling away. "I can’t do this anymore. Not until I know it’s right and I am only yours, and you are only mine. Until then, please just let me move on, and you move on. The four of us could be friends. We could still grow old in each other’s lives. But we can’t grow old together. We’ll always be friends."

"I love you, Gavin."

"Team Nice Dynamite, Michael." Gavin smiles sadly before closing the door to the conference room behind him. I stand there alone for a while. In my head, I pretend that Gavin will be standing behind the door when I open it. And we will kiss and laugh and just make all of these heavy feelings go away and everything will be normal again. I open the door and no one is there. Maybe-

I take off running to the bathroom. My stomach suddenly very unsettled. I kneel in front of the toilet, dry heaving loudly. Nothing comes up and I sit against the bathroom wall. Gavin’s voice echo’s constantly in my head.

_"Team Nice Dynamite, Michael."_

I feel so cold.


	2. A Favor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well, I was just thinking back to...the day everything went to shit. I remember I told you that the four of us could be friends and...I’ve just been treating you like absolute rubbish. Ignoring you and actually enjoying the fact that it clearly upset you. It has been disgusting, disturbing, absolutely awful and I’m so sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a thousand years to write this part I KNOW. But it was so hard to write. This is not at all my favorite part (out of the two so slim pickings, ya know?). I feel like this is horrible so feel free to hate me (even though I love Gavin’s speech in the car). I think there will be one or two more parts. The next one will most likely be 60% sadness. Again I’m sorry for the crappy part. I love you guys anyway <3 -raises glass- here’s to the next part being better *clink*

Though she swore it wasn’t my fault, Emma quit her job at the Rooster Teeth office. She said that she’d gotten an offer she couldn’t refuse elsewhere. She apologized a million times to Geoff who’d gotten her the job and to Burnie who hired her. Of course, they weren’t upset, just sorry to see her go. So was everyone else. I felt like a monster. Every time I think back to that day, I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. It’s been four months, but I still I can’t believe I had acted like that. I tried saying sorry to Gavin, he just shrugs whenever I do. I can’t get through to him. He wouldn’t talk to me unless he had to…and I don’t blame him. I didn’t even want to come to work anymore, being right next to Gavin, but feeling so far was just tearing me apart inside. The emotion was hard to put a name on, and pulled all my strings inside taut. I knew it wouldn’t be long until one day they all just snapped. 

Lindsay has been doing small gestures in the mornings to make me feel better. I find it hard to tell her how much I appreciate it. This morning for example, she woke me up with a shower of kisses, her lips kiss me everywhere as she sings cheerfully to me.

“Wake up, wake up! Baby! It’s a new day! Out of the bed!” She squeals. I can’t help but smile. 

“Get off of me, let me sleep.” I roll over onto my stomach. She sits on my bottom, kissing down my spine, I moan slightly. 

“Up, then let’s get coffee and go to work. I would make some but since the fall season is almost over, I want to get the last of the pumpkin spice lattes at the cafe.” She pats my butt as she gets up. 

“Don’t they usually keep the pumpkin spice until January.” I pull the blanket over my head.

“Excuse me, but when you think pumpkin, Halloween comes to mind. I want to get my last fill of the pumpkin.” She walks across the room.

“Fine.” I sit up. I’d be lying if the first thing I thought about as I rose into a seated position wasn’t Gavin. I shudder recalling the times I’d been close to him like I as with Lindsay. Mornings with him were always special too. I hear Lindsay begin to hum and my eyes travel to her. I watch as she peels her clothing from her body to prepare for a shower. Her soft curves are enough to send my head spinning. I groan and I lay back down in bed closing my eyes conflicted with mixed emotions. 

“Lazy, lazy boy. Lay there all you want, but we’re going to leave as soon as I’m out the shower and dressed.” She points at me before entering the bathroom, closing the door behind her. I roll onto my side, staring at the wall, wondering what today in the office might be like.

Arriving at the Rooster Teeth Headquarters with warm drinks in our hands, we enter the building. I grip mine tighter as I stand in the lobby with Lindsay. She notices how tense I am and I can feel her sympathetic gaze on me. She wraps one arm around my waist and rests her head on my shoulder. “I love you.” She says. I know this can’t be easy for her to deal with, me being so distant and gloomy. I place my free hand on her shoulder, bringing her to me for a kiss. Her lips are warm and very sweet. My heart beats quickly, butterflies create a cyclone in my stomach. She pulls back, smiling. I smile back. Pleased with my genuine smile, she disappears to her part of the building, and I turn to face mine. 

I stare at the door to the Achievement Hunter office. Air feels like it’s leaving my lungs far more frequently that it’s entering. I can hear their voices inside. Gavin is laughing. Not just his normal laughter, but the one that squeaks like the water spigot of a garden hose. He used to laugh like that when we talked together. I can’t enter the room, I know as soon as I do, his laughter will stop and the whole office will go horribly quiet. I take a few deep cleansing breaths. I have to enter the office and get to work. I can’t just stand here all day. Besides, I need to get so many edits underway. After I muster up enough courage, I open the door, all heads turn towards me. 

“Morning.” I nod at the present Achievement Hunters. 

“Hey!” Ray greets me cheerfully. Jack smiles then his eyes quickly flicker to Gavin. Gavin had been turning away went I enter the room, but today he’s looking at me. He studies me with intrigued green eyes. I feel self conscious and I rush to my desk to throw on my headphones and pretend Gavin wasn’t there. Though, even with them on, I could still feel his eyes on me. Why is he even looking at me? I liked it better when he would ignore me, it gave me the ability to ignore him. I make the mistake of cutting a quick glance at him. We make eye contact and I feel like sucking all of my limbs inside me the way turtles do with their shells. We stare at each other for a long while. I can’t hear it, but I see his lips form my name, so I remove my headphones. 

“Yeah?” My heart doesn’t feel like it’s beating, but even if it isn’t, Gavin was talking to me and that’s all that mattered.

“I wanted to know if you could do me a favor.” He pivots in his chair a bit.

“Ok?” 

“I’m going to be gone, for a while.” He sighs. “And-”

“Why?” I cut him off. Was he leaving because of me?

“Just reasons. I’m going back to the UK for a bit.” He looks up at me. 

“What do you need?” I raise an eyebrow. He smiles. I feel like running outside and screaming to the world that Gavin is smiling at me. I can’t believe I used to take it for granted, something so beautiful like this. 

“Well, I was just thinking back to…the day everything went to shit. I remember I told you that the four of us could be friends and…I’ve just been treating you like absolute rubbish. Ignoring you and actually enjoying the fact that it clearly upset you. It has been disgusting, disturbing, absolutely awful and I’m so sorry.” Gavin apologizes openly, the other two men in the office are clearly hearing everything. 

“Gav, it’s understandable why you would’ve done that. I would’ve.” I’m gleeful with the fact that it appears Gavin and I are making up.

“Oh! Michael!” Gavin walks over to me, I rise automatically. He wraps his arms around me and I find myself surrounded by his warmth. 

“Anything for you, Gavin.” I close my eyes in his embrace. 

“I’m so happy, Michael.” He pulls back to look at me. “So if I ask you to drop me off at the airport you’ll do it? I want the last person I see before I leave to be you.”

“Of course.” I grin. “Well, I’m going to go grab a drink, you want anything?” 

“Nah.” He shakes his head before sitting back in his chair. 

“Ok.” I leave the office with a big grin on my face. In the staff kitchen I find Geoff, stirring a mountain of sugar into his coffee. “Want some coffee with your sugar, Geoffrey?” I tease. He studies me. 

“You’re in a good mood.” He comments.

“Yeah, Gavin and I finally made up.”

“So you’re not mad then?” 

“About him leaving for a bit? It sounded like personal things so I wasn’t going to force him to tell me. The last thing I want to do is make him upset after making up with him, ya know.”

“Ok, look.” Geoff places his coffee on the counter before turning to me. “I don’t want you thinking that everything is fucking cake and ice cream right now, because for you it’s not. Gavin’s going to the UK, to introduce Emma to his family.” Geoff raises an eyebrow waiting for me to respond, when I don’t he continues. “They’re going to be gone for six months. Gavin has bought her a ring.” My heart contracted in my chest. “After his family gets to know her, and they give him their blessing, he’s going to propose at the end of the trip.” 

“O-oh. Well that’s fine.” I take a step away from Geoff.

“Sit down.” He pulls a chair out from the table.

“No, I-”

“Sit the fuck down. I’m not done.” He pulls my arm and sits me down. “I’m going to be really fucking frank with you, because the whole atmosphere of the office has been fucked ever since that day and I can’t take it.”

Geoff I-”

“No, you listen to me. If I were you, I’d honestly try to convince Gavin of how much you love him and want be with him, because it’s obvious that your feelings towards him are much stronger than your feelings towards Lindsay. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be this fucked up about all of this. If I’m wrong, which I doubt, then you go into that office and be happy for your best friend. Don’t even be sad about it. Because I’m tired of walking on eggshells in my own damn office and in my own damn house with Gavin.” Geoff folds his arms. 

“Sorry Geoff.” I don’t make eye contact with him, but I can tell he’s not looking at me anymore, but over my head. I look over my shoulder to see Lindsay standing there. My face goes red and I stand up. “Hey honey!” I run over to her and hug her. She pats my back.

“Hey, babe.” She responds before stepping away from me. 

“How long were you-”

“I’m just gonna put this muffin in the toaster oven. That kinda rhymed muffin, oven.” She shrugs away from me and hurries to the fridge for some butter. Geoff glances at the two of us before heading out of the kitchen. I feel like begging him to stay, worried that she might have heard what he and I were talking about. Maybe he could make up a quick cover up story, but he quickly vanished. It is silent. Had she heard us or not? Either way, I’m out of here before we can talk about it. If she brings it up later at home, then I’ll know she has heard, but if not I’m in the clear. 

“I’m going back into the office, can I have a kiss?” I try to lighten the mood, convincing myself that I’m just being paranoid. 

“You don’t have to ask silly! I am your fiancee.” She says the last bit with a little force. I’m taken aback by it. She giggles, letting me know she’s just messing with me. I pull a laugh out of myself from somewhere and kiss her lips quickly. “Have fun at work.”

“You too.” I run from the kitchen. 

For the entirety of the two weeks before Gavin had to leave, I pasted a smile on my face, just for Gavin. I took Geoff’s advice and decided to just be happy for him. I absorbed my life with him, studying everything he did and making sure he was happy. It was exhausting. In the morning, I’d have to mentally prepare myself for the office so I would be ready to smile for Gavin. After smiling all day at the office, as soon as I’d return to my apartment, I would lay down on the couch or bed and just stare off into space. Lindsay would always be there for me though, I was so grateful for that. She would lay behind me and stroke my hair, talking to me about her day. At the beginning of the second week, sex became a constant form of comfort to me. As Lindsay and I entered our apartment, we would undress each other and have sex immediately, and many times in a row, as much as our bodies would allow. 

At the end of the two weeks, the day I had to drive Gavin to the airport, I woke up to find Lindsay sitting up in bed already, completely naked, the early morning orange sun bathing her in warm light. I grumbled into a sitting position. 

“Morning, hun.” I rose to my feet, grabbing my shirt from the floor and wrestling it over my head. Lindsay didn’t respond right away, he eyes focused out the window. 

“There’s a storm coming.” She whispered. After I shimmied on my jeans, I crawled on my hands and knees across the bed to her side, kissing her shoulder blades, her neck and her cheek. I looked over her shoulder out the window, squinting against the sun. I looked into the orange sky. 

“What are you talking about? Lindsay, it’s sunny as fuck, there aren’t even any clouds. Don’t worry.” I kissed her lips before slipping on my shoes. “See you soon.” I offered her a smile and then left. 

On the drive over to the Ramsey’s I tried not to think about what was about to happen, but instead what Geoff said, because he was right. I can’t limbo anymore, I have to pick a side, am I happy for Gavin or aren’t I? I have Lindsay, and now he had Emma, therefor, neither of us are alone anymore. So…I should be happy, right? Right. I am happy for him. 

I pulled into the driveway, Gavin was already sitting on the front steps with his luggage. Geoff and Griffon are sitting on the porch swing with Millie between them. I unbuckled my seatbelt, Gavin and Geoff rose to their feet. I could feel Geoff’s eyes on me as I approached the porch. 

“Good morning, Michael.” Griffon greeted me first. I waved. 

“Morning.” I smiled at her then turned to Gavin. “You ready, asshole?” I nudged him with a teasing smile. His green eyes were a little sad, but very happy in expression. He nodded. 

“Yes, Michael.” He wrapped his arms around me tightly. I felt like the damn inside me had a small crack in it, letting tears burn my eyes, I fought them with everything I had. “Good.” I hugged him back, closing my eyes. I lost track of how long the hug was, but when I opened my eyes, I was almost face to face with Geoff who was stood behind Gavin. My breath hitched in my throat. 

“Thanks for taking our little Gav to the airport for us, we couldn’t do it.” Geoff says, not losing eye contact with me, probably trying to read how I was feeling. 

“No problem.” I kept eye contact with him. 

“Well,” Gavin moved from between Geoff and I, picking up his two large bags. “Open your trunk will you, Michael?” Gavin asked, I rose my keys, clicking the trunk button for him. Griffon picked up Millie, who’d fallen asleep during the wait for Gav to leave. Griffon carried the sleeping girl as she walked down from porch to the rest of us. After Gavin put his bags in the trunk, he moved to Griffon and hugged her. Griffon had tears in her eyes as she kissed his forehead. 

“Griffon, I’ll be back before you know it, less than a bloody year’s worth of time.” Gavin chuckled. 

“I know, but when you come back, so much will have changed.” She smiled softly. “You’ll have so many things to tell us, new experiences. I just feel like I’m losing you for a while.” She shrugged. 

“I know, I feel the same. But we have Skype and Twitter and all, I’ll be updating everything. You won’t miss much.” Gavin replied then bent forward to kiss Millie’s head. The Brit turned to Geoff and hugged him. Geoff hugged him tightly in a fatherly manner. 

“Don’t do anything stupid, no crazy Euro drugs, and tell your folks I say hello.” Geoff murmured before letting him go.

“You know it Geoff.” Gavin nodded, his eyes quickly moving to me. At this point, I felt a large amount of pressure in my chest. I could taste blood from chewing my lip so hard. He took a deep breath. “Well, are we all set then?” Gavin asked me. I nodded. 

“Come home soon.” Griffon waved to Gavin as we got in the car. 

“By Mom and Dad.” Gavin joked before closing his door. Once my car door closed as well, it was like Gavin and I were suddenly sealed in our own little realm of silence in the calm Texas morning as our drive began. 

In the silence of the car, I could hear Gavin lightly humming and patting his legs with his right hand. It was times like these that I would’ve been holding Gavin’s hand as we drove. Out of habit, it seems Gavin has his left-hand palm upwards, fingers slightly separated for me to lace mine with his. I wondered if I held his hand, if he would pull away. If he didn’t, what it would’ve meant? 

“There aren’t many cars out.” Gavin observed. 

“Yeah. Everyone else wants to fucking sleep.” I laughed, he did too. Turning his head to me. 

“Are you going to miss me while I’m gone?” He asked casually. I swallowed.

“Well…yeah, of course. You’re my best friend.” I laughed. 

“True, I’ll miss you too.” Gavin sighed, as he looked up at the red light that wasn’t changing anytime soon. “There’s no cars, I wish we could just bloody go.”

“I know, but then I’d get a fucking ticket when we could’ve just waited two more god damn minutes.”

“Michael.” Gavin leaned his head to the side and laughed. 

“It’s true.” 

“Yeah.”

“Yup.” I looked up at the ceiling of the car. “Hey, tell me something?” 

“Anything, you donut.” 

“If I am indeed your best friend, why didn’t you tell me that you were going to get married?” 

“What?” Gavin replied a bit too quickly. 

“Well, Geoff said-”

“Light’s green.” Gavin pointed. I pressed my foot to the gas, the car lurched forward.

“Why?” I asked again. 

“I dunno, I just thought-”

“Were you not going to invite me or something?”

“Michael! Of course I was going to invite you, I just didn’t know if you’d want to-”

“I want to fucking attend your wedding, Gavin.” I cut him off. 

“Really?” 

“Why wouldn’t I?” I turned at the next light, jumping onto the ramp that heads towards the airport.

“Because, I know you’re not happy about it. I was going to put off telling you about it until I came back. That way the engagement would be done with and you couldn’t change my mind.” Gavin explained, though his voice got quiet towards the end.

“You think I would’ve tried to stop you?”

“Yeah. I already know what would’ve bloody happened.” Gavin laughed spitefully. “You would’ve said all of these lovely words, lovely words that wouldn’t mean absolute shit. Want to know why? Because after you’ve sobbed about it, accused me of abusing and neglected your feelings, I would’ve left Emma.” 

“Gav-”

“And then, the best part of this bloody mess, if I do say so myself…is after I would’ve been alone with no one, still wanting you…you would still stay with Lindsay.” Gavin was quiet for a moment. “You would still be with Lindsay, after I once again gave up everything just to be with you.” His voice began to shake. “I’d just be alone and looking foolish, again, Michael.” Gavin gripped the seat belt. His words cut through me like blades. I tried to focus on the road, but all I wanted was to close my eyes and try to will myself to spontaneously combust. Gavin finally let go of the safety belt and sat up a bit taller. “That’s why I got into this so quickly. I’ve tried to replace you before, ya know? But that’s damn near impossible.” He chuckled sadly. “But Emma, she’s different. She’s nothing like you, and I think that’s why I’m so fond of her. I need to get away from you, Michael. In order to go through with this. I’m going to the UK for a bit, she’ll meet me there next week and you won’t be there. Out of sight, out of mind.” Gavin grinned another spiteful grin. “I really like her, Michael. Nothing like how I feel towards you, but she’s great company. She’s intelligent, open and honest. Beautiful. I think this will be good for me. Because even though, I’ll never have you. I’ll have someone who really cares about me, and someone who makes me feel like I’m not alone.” Gavin turned his head to look out the window. Silence overtakes us again and I literally have nothing to say. Everything that Gavin has just said is busy eating away at the taught strings inside of me, breaking down the dam that lives inside, but I hold it together. The rest of the ride to the airport is done in silence. 

When we arrive, Gavin hops out the car almost abruptly. I’m not even sure the car had completely stopped yet. I turn the car off and open the trunk for Gavin. I sit in my seat as I listen to him grabbing his bags from the back, and the trunk shut. He returns to the passenger door. The Brit knocked on the window, and signaled for me to get out of the car. I did so slowly. I got out, and moved over to his side of the car. He dropped the bags to the ground and he wrapped his arms around me forcefully. 

“Michael, please understand. All of those things I said are true. It’s all true, but…I’m not doing this to hurt you Michael. I’m really not. I’m just trying to protect myself, I don’t want to be hurt again. Don’t you understand that all I want is you? And I know, Michael. I know. I won’t have you, ever. It’s just not what is going to happen. It’d be foolish for me to wait for you to leave Lindsay. If you wanted to be with me, 100%, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.” He pulled back from the hug to look me in the eyes. “I love you, ok?” He asked. I nodded, still stunned silent from before. “Good.” He smiled, light in his eyes. “That’s all I have to know. That you love me, and I love you. That’s all that matters. Maybe in the next life we’ll be together, but things happen for a reason, right? So that means that things might also not happen for a reason. I don’t know, blah blah blah.” He said as he picked up his bags. “Well, I’m off.” He grinned, I picked up my eyes and made eye contact with him. “Goodbye, Michael.” 

“Bye, Gavin.” I answer, stepping forward and connecting our lips in a soft kiss. He froze under my touch. His lips didn’t respond, and I don’t know why I did it, but I kissed him. Long and motionless. His arms relaxed dangling at his sides, weighed down by his luggage. He grunted and took a step back. 

“Uh, Michael.” He looked down. 

“Go catch your plane.” I turned and walked away, leaving him standing there. 

The drive home was a blur, I don’t even remember taking my foot off the gas. My hands are wet with sweat and the wheel slipped through my hands as I turned sharp corners. I just wanted to get home. I just wanted to get home. I let muscle memory lead me home, while my brain shut down. I felt nauseous, and my face was wet, I knew I was crying. 

When I finally arrived in the parking lot, I removed my body from the car, slamming the door shut. I hiked up the stairs to my apartment and pushed through the door bumping into a soft wall. Lindsay was standing in front of me, her eyes apologetic. “Come sit down.” She opened her arms to me, my legs turned to jello and I collapsed in her arms, sobbing. She offered soothing words to me as she pulled me onto the couch with her. Her breasts as my pillow, I found comfort in her softness. I cried until nothing more could come out of me, then it was quiet. With a deep breath, I closed my eyes and willed myself to sleep to silence all the screaming storms in my head. Maybe that’s what Lindsay meant.


End file.
